Mark Steyn notes that he predicted the French riots although he didn’t quite think they would occur so fast.
In a way, France has brought this on itself. While the immediate spark of the riots of mainly African Muslim immigrants was the death of two youths, almost all observers agree that part of the rage is related to high unemployment among youth, an amazing 30 percent. French employment law requires businesses to give such enormous benefits—months-long vacations, short work weeks, holidays, et al—while making it nearly impossible to fire or lay off employees that they are reluctant to hire any new employees in the first place and certainly less inclined to take a risk on young, untested, inexperienced workers.
Then you must look at the failure to integrate Muslim immigrants into the culture. For one thing, 5 million of the country’s 60 million people are Muslim immigrants. The population growth rate is 0.37 percent, almost all of that positive amount among immigrants. This huge population still sees itself as separate and distinct from French culture, while happily receiving generous social welfare benefits from the French government. And while French natives de-populate themselves through contraception and abortion, Muslims are moving to fill up that population, a trend we see across Europe.
Why are American women so unhappy?
Because they are so little loved.
Frankly, I don, men view women as objects for gratification – cheapening their value (which, as we Catholics know, is an infinite, sacred value) and causing great emotional harm to say the least.
Isabelle responded “because they are so little loved” – and that’s true of the entire human condition really. What’s love got to do with it? The answer is everything. It requires emotional maturity – relinquishing the desire for things to make us happy (that goes equally for boys and their toys and sports obsessions), for real love is apart from objects – including how perfect a figure a lady maintains (so many teenage girls are bolemic today – thinking the anorexic models on magazine covers are the only way to keep a boyfriend). In the end, all of us suffer from such movements against God’s Creation.
Women’s liberation, by its very nature, places women and men into competition. Woman was made to be a man’s helpmate, not his competition.
Meanwhile, the institution of motherhood has simply been dispensed with in our culture. There is no one at home taking care of the kids in far too many households. The ideal situation is a woman and man working together to provide their livlihood, and the kids also helping out. That way the primary focus of the lives of all is on each other.
Once a man goes off to a job, his daytime community is not the family, but rather the work environment. That isn’t ideal. Now put the woman into the same situation and you have a case of husband, wife and kids all spending the day in separate communities.
Add to that the current trend in America to demand more than a 40 hour work week and the trend to stretch the school day into extracurricular activities and you end up with family members unable to connect with one another. There is a lot positive to be said for the family dinner. Likewise there was a lot positive to be said for labor unions that has been destroyed.
I just want to add (I made a comment on that guys blog) that my generation (I starting to sound like The Who) doesn’t have God. They want a God that reflects themselves, if the need ever arises that they need one. I think this is the new paganism. I can’t find the book, but Cardinal Kasper wrote about the modern gods in his first chapter of his book, The God of Jesus Christ. Chesterton wrote about it as well. The fathers of the 2nd Vatican Council speaks of it as well. Everyone has a personal God and their God is a reflection of themselves. It is not the divine Trinity. Their gods are all primitive and limited in their powers (they have none).
Since this is the case, there is very little desire of “my generation” to understand their problems. There is no attempt to retreat from the world and examine their lives.
I try to avoid speaking of the problems of contemporary women, except when it comes to abortion which I think is a huge problem (with men, it is pornography). The reason being is that I am a man. It is hard to say in this day and age that the women’s movement has destroyed women. It is very hard to ask a woman who is successful, has all of the things everyone seems to want, but is lonely, that you are not trully liberated. The only liberation is in Jesus Christ.
The post is great and I largely agree with it. I do think, however, that there are a significant number of men who are stuck in a kind of permanent adolescence. Of course, they have no interest in marriage as such. Long term relationships may be fine as long as they meet this kind of man’s needs. Such men may not be discontent and perhaps that explains why the author does not consider them to be confused and driven in the same sense that young women are.
It’s interesting to me that such single women as the author describes are among the strongest constituencies of the Democrat Party.
“I do think, however, that there are a significant number of men who are stuck in a kind of permanent adolescence. Of course, they have no interest in marriage as such. Long term relationships may be fine as long as they meet this kind of mantime. The world, the flesh and the devil are the enemy and in Jesus lies our salvation. The Mary Smith and John Doe who cannot, will not, or have not yet seen will be doomed to despair because there is nothing in this sorry old world being shoved down our throats that will save us. Nothing.
At the end of it all, I found no “roguish charm” in this essay. IMHO, of course.
Why are American women so unhappy? I guess because we’ve been raised to think that the “answer” is always just over the rainbow. IF we find a properly neutred man, IF we lose weight, IF we wear the right clothes, IF we have as many abortions as we want….
The media tells us that we aren’t good enough as we are and women who don’t have a solid foundation are sad and confused. Plus a lot of women under 25 have no idea of what a man is supposed to be. Many are children of divorce and either hardly see the old man (weekend visitation is not enough) or they don’t like him. If your first image of man is messed up you carry that with you.
From one of my mom’s favorite songs (I think, but can’t be sure, that it’s from the 1960s) and one I find a lot of fun to sing…
Ahem:
When I have a brand new hairdo
And my eyelashes all in curls,
I float on the air like clouds do,
I enjoy being a girl.
I’m strictly a female, female,
In the future I long to be,
In the home of a brave and free male
Who enjoys
Being a guy
Having a girl…
like…me!
No, no, please, no applause.
All silliness aside, though, I’ve gotta admit that I think the article was rather silly. (Although I mildly disagree with Carrie…I thought it was fairly well written.)
The “generation thing” doesn’t work. “Mary Smith” and all the unhappy women sound more like those who were weaned on Gloria Steinem…hardly your basic X-er.
And the title itself is silly, which is much kinder than saying it’s downright presumptious.
“Why Are American Women So Unhappy?”
The question implies a truth that nobody—certainly not the author—has proven (and that I have a hard time believing).
One might well ask:
Why Are Catholics So Uptight About Sex?
Why Do Irish People Drink So Much?
Why Do Italians Have Such Bad Tempers?
Why Are Gen X-ers Such Losers?
You get the point. The essay is an amusing exercise. And no doubt many a Mary Smith lives an unhappy existence.
I even know a few. Not many, but some.
I also know, as someone pointed out above, some John Does who don’t seem like the most chipper guys on the block. Not many, but a few.
The essay isn’t nearly as “controversial” as Dom implies, but here’s the comment that struck me:
I believe itthat we need to accept it.
I would LOVE so much to hear a priest speak on pornography and say, no, this is not what a truly good man who loves his wife expects her to be okay with. It’s not stuff a good dad has lying around the house, or goes out to a club and watches with his buddies. IMO, pornography is a show of hostility towards a man’s wife and children (love in the time of combat, indeed), and makes women, me at least, feel like a guy wants nothing more than to use me like a disposable object, just as he’s using the women IN the stuff. Fr. Francis Mary Stone and Fr. Corapi have addressed this topic – I love EWTN!!
I guess if I’m SO UNHAPPY, it’s not because I want to be a power-broker and have babies at the same time. (And BTW, I recognized women’s magazines as idiotic tripe when I was about 13-years-old. I don’t think most women take them too seriously.) No, it’s because feel disappointed that I don’t meet many real adult *men,* whom I can really respect. I know lots of *guys,* who actually DO want to be married…but want to keep acting like single guys at the same time. At about this time last year, I broke up with a guy I was dating. He was a 35-year-old WEEKLY MASS-GOER, who thought that patronizing sex-related businesses was perfectly appropriate for adult men, regardless of marital status, religion, etc. I realize this was in large part due to his own character and judgment deficits, but the pornographic culture that we live in, and the virtual silence of priests and other good men on this topic, surely contributed. My ex is certainly not alone in thinking that the hurtful and unfair behavior he wanted to engage in was completely reasonable.
I know that women contribute too by consenting to it all…sort of. I think the majority of women are of course not okay with it, but it’s hard to go against the tide on this. It’s presented as completely harmless, victimless, etc, and of course, “it’s just what guys do!” I see males AND females lacking “strength of character” (Fran’s phrase) in dealing with the modern world.
Now for the good news!! I have given quite a bit of money over the past year to the growing number of Christian ministries that assist women exit the sex industry
Yay, it’s my favorite thing in the world to assist with!! It’s vital PROLIFE work and I pray that more Catholics will join me.
And BTW: I think quite honestly if men would like to get women to listen on the topic of abortion, you (men) need to point out the links between the sex industry and the abortion industry, eg, both exploit and dehumanize women and children, both thrive on lies, denial, and disorder, porn pits men against women as abortion pits women against children, etc, and condemn BOTH. I really do think that’s the only way women will be convinced that you reject abortion b/c you see it as harmful, not just b/c you are trying to take away women’s “rights.”
Thanks for reading
“I see pornography (whether print, electronic, or – ugh, worst of all, live) as primarily a woman to help one another with children. The only help I see offered now is a course on NFP to avoid having another baby. How about help to enable someone to be open to life?
Mary Alexander
Mary et al:
Whether NFP is reduced to a form of “Catholic birth control” depends on how it is taught—and why.
From what I remembered of the courses I watched (and I watched a few of them with my then-wife in considering being a teacher), the biological imperative was not integrated with the spiritual. Instructors would read out of a manual while airhead jocks would look bored, and their prospective brides would have to nudge them to attention. Either that, or the instructors would talk WAY over their heads.
The inclusion of JP2’s Theology of the Body, and in particular, the ideas of his book “Love and Responsibility” will go a long way, it seems to me, to round out the methodologies currently in use.
Once CCL and others manage to get up to speed.
I think you may have coined a new phrase Dom. When I am accosted by images of near naked women in bear commercials, that’s “sexular hostility”
One good typo deserves another! That should be “beer commericials”, although with Labats, what’s the difference?
Well a good NFP class emphasizes the difference between refusing to have children for selfish reasons and “grave reasons” which the Church acknowledges do exist. For example if a woman has a serious medical condition such that it would endanger both her health and the health of a child if she were to become pregnant, it is prudent for a couple to refrain from having another pregnancy.
This is the case with a woman I know who has been married five years and has had three children and three miscarriages. She is extremely fertile but has been told by her doctor that if she gets pregnant right away, the baby will die.
They are faithful, Catholic, and open to life. But it seems to me it would be entirely selfish on her husband’s part not to prudently refrain from intimacy that could result in a miscarriage when mature, loving, restraint could use NFP to postpone pregnancy for a while until her body is capable once more of sustaining a pregnancy.
It is a prudential decision made by both husband and wife that it is best for them and for the child not to have another pregnancy right away.
Of course, NFP can be misused with a selfish and contraceptive mentality. But our class stressed that postponing pregnancy is a grave decision that must be made mutually with prayer and discussion and counselling.
Bottom line: NFP is a tool that can be used both for good and for ill. Like a hammer, it can be used to drive nails or to bash in someone’s head. But it’s misuse for immoral purposes does not mean that it does not have a proper moral use. (Unlike artificial contraceptives, which can never be used morally.)
I can point you to some further literature on the subject that explains Church teaching.
Just out of curiosity, have you taken an NFP course? When? Where? Maybe you had poor teachers who did not properly explain the Church’s teachings.
Usually Melanie finds my typos first.
Dear Melanie,
You are not the first person to ask me if I have taken a class in NFP. Perhaps about the 100th person who has recommended that I take a class in NFP. LOL If I had a dollar for every time I was asked, well I wouldn’t be rich but I could go shopping, shoe shopping
.
I understand the rationale that people use who promote NFP. I’ve read Theology and the Body. The NFP teacher who I’ve spoken w/ about NFP was fine. But I’ve seen it used to bash people over the head for being a (gasp) providentialist. I don’t see any respect for large families and ironically we have the Holy Father PRAISING large families and the NFP promoters teaching us how to have small families or no families. (is there a problem here?)
I thank you for your offer to recommend some literature but I’ve read the literature, and I do understand NFP- I understand that the use of it (as a tool) is morally neutral but I’m tired of being told that I “should” learn NFP b/c I have too many kids, too close together. (even by priests)
I’m also not seeing played out this great marriage if you use NFP that is promised or implied. Look at the McFarlanes. Does NFP beget selfishness? You have to ask yourself. Another well known blogger “writewing nut” has just detailed her husband’s humiliating affair w/ a co-worker and guess what- they are big fans of NFP. There may be a time for abstinence but that should be the husband’s decision made on behalf of his wife, not against his will.
I know this is a touchy topic for people and I think you for your kind response. I’ve seen NFP and been married for a long time and I’ve seen a HUGE difference in couple who “live the NFP” lifestyle and those who are open and generous to God’s will and that is what I aspire to.
Mary Alexander
Yes Mark Steyn has had his finger on the perils of k-knacks of pigs by its employees following a complaint by a Muslim worker. Even a box of tissues with the image of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet on it was included.
Burger King caved in to a complaint by a Muslim customer about their ice cream cones. Mr. Rashad Akhtar complained that the swirl of the ice cream resembled the word comment_author_url>
65.54.155.56
2005-11-07 15:51:06
2005-11-07 19:51:06
I don’t know if it’s like this in other suburban neighborhoods (we’re north of Philly) but it seems that no one will take their daily constitutional WITHOUT being strapped to a dog (notice which is really in control)…and not any Heinz 57 variety, but some snooty latest breed..and the more the better. Anyone met a Golden Doodle? Literally ran into one the other day. Of course, like so many other altercations, it leapt and slobbered all over me…some snarl…some just wrap their straps around you and try to trip you. The owner, like a parent of some uncontrolled kiddo, gazed on admiringly and if you dare to show disapproval you get a reaction like they’ll report you to PETA or humane society. People are such victims of the latest “fashion”. What I love though, is seeing the baggie wrapped around the free hand to be a pooper scooper. Such slaves! Some would probably scream if they had to change a diaper..baby, that is! Our nice mutt died several years ago…very much loved and appreciated…but we never even thought of dressing her up for any occasion.
I donanything else, in my book.
A woman can be covered from head to foot, and just a little bit of perfume will set off every man in the room.
It is not a “radical feminist” thing to admit that women have a sex drive. John Paul II has written extensively on the subject.
In fact, women are most aroused, by design, when they’re fertile. So it is very frustrating for a wife in an actively NFP marriage to be “in heat” precisely when she “can’t” have relations, and then feel absolutely *no* drive when she’s “permitted” to.
And the pat “answer” for that? “Well, you’re not supposed to enjoy it.”
Not according to JPII, or God’s own design.
Theology of the Body etc. etc. etc .nhelpful in the long run. These are mere palliatives, and cannot in the end give satisfactory solutions to the difficulties experienced in intercourse. There is here a real need for sexual education, and it must be a continuous process. The main objective of this education is to create the conviction that the other person is more important than I. Such conviction will not arise suddenly and from nothing, merely on the basis of physical intercourse. It can only be, must be, the result of an integral education in love. Sexual intercourse itself does not teach love, but love, if it is a genuine virtue, will show itself to be so in sexual relations between married people as elsewhere. Only then can sexual instruction bestow its full benefits: without education in our sense it may even do harm.
(Reprinted from Love and Responsibility, written in 1960 when Pope John Paul II was Cardinal of Krakow, Poland.)
Okay, somebody tell me, where is the heresy here?
What’s wrong with St. Francis blessings?
One of our major problems today is lack of getting things blessed. How many people get their houses blessed (successfully) these days?
Every time I’ve inquired with priests, it’s been “too busy for stuff like that.”
Interesting point:
“If a woman does not obtain natural gratification from the sexual act there is a danger that her experience of it will be qualitatively inferior, will not involve her fully as a person.”
And a woman is *far* less ilkely to obtain natural gratification when she’s infertile.
The problem is not the abstinence, per se.
Sometimes it is quite natural for a couple to “abstain”, due to circumstances beyond their control, for weeks at a time.
The problem is that abstaining when the woman is fertile is *unnatural*.
And putting all this “on the man” is rather sexist, considering that a woman is at her sexual peak during fertility.
It is precisely the wife’s desire to have a satisfying experience, coupled with the uncontrollable (on the woman’s part) physiological and body langauge “signals” that fertile women send to men, that makes NFP abstience, as such, difficult.
Even so, that’s why the reasons must be *grave*.
If it’s a life-threatening issue, for example, then it’s worth it to engage in the self-sacrifice necessary to resist those urges, but it still leaves the woman with a less-than-satisfying sex life.
Secondly, that doesnt’ get to my point that most people, even with training, have a great difficulty “interpreting” the “signs”.
A *lot* of people complain about this; they’re not complaining about having to abstain, as such, but that they never know when they’re “allowed” to have sex, and there’s no practical help available to help interpret the physiological signs to know when fertility occurs.
Getting back to the original comment-actually one Dom made:
Frankly, I don I’m a daughter of God. What do you want of me today, Lord, because really, that’s all that matters”.
Nothing is wrong with a St. Francis blessing, but if the Church and parishoners put more energy and effort into promoting the blessing than a Pro-life vigil being held the same weekend…
then we get back to Amy Wellborn’s point that Dom posted.
God’s Gadfly,
re: understanding when we find it, to use those opportunities when they arise to spread the true Catholic understanding of openness to life which NFP is meant to foster.
For all of your negative examples, I can think of just as many examples of couples for whom NFP training has brought selflessness and openness to life and created good Catholic marriages. (In fact that is one reason for a common myth that NFP “doesn’t work” because so many couples who practice it properly only do so for a time, to postpone a pregnancy and then are subsequently open to accepting children.)
I’d also like to note that NFP training can be just as useful in treating infertility as it is in postponing pregnancy.
Jen B,
Thanks for bringing us back to the original post.
I found this article interesting and thought provoking even if I did not agree with all of the author’s claims, or would have restated them or modified his claims a bit.
I have to say, I lived with a woman who fit “Mary Smith” to a t, except that instead of living alone she had roommates. She’d been raised Catholic but then had many family problems and went to an Ivy-League women’s college and had her head filled with feminist nonsense and all sorts of other garbage.
And I myself have struggled with many of the same issues. You are right that being a practicing Catholic provides a good counter balance to all the poisonous messages we receive from magazines, television, the movies, co-workers, etc. But it is hard to avoid all of those influences without retreating completely from the world. And above all I feel I am called to be in the world if not of it.
One of the greatest gifts I’ve received in recent years has been the set of Liturgy of the Hours volumes, I now pray the office daily and that helps keep me on an even keel. I rediscovered daily mass a couple of years ago (alas my attendance has been interrupted since my pregnancy, I’m hoping I’ll get back to it soon.) And of course found a wonderful, faithful, Catholic man to share my life. I met him at Church, which I think says it all. But I attribute all of the above to the deep influence of my family and most of all to God’s great grace.
God help all those women who are trying to navigate modern life without either of those.
To be honest I’d rather deal with a dog than most of the little kids in my parish. If only parents realized that their spoiled little darling is NOT cute when he’s having a tantrum and the rest of us really would appreciate it if you take Jr. outside until he calms down.
Love and Responsibility by JP II has to be the best Catholic book written on the “marital union.”
His intellect and understanding of the human condition certainly were a gift to us from God.
Funny how a celibate priest grasped the suffering of women that had historically occured even in Catholic homes……
I’ve never understood this:
from what I can tell, “spoiled” (a horrible term in and of itself) means “child gets whatever s/he wants by throwing a tantrum.” Kid throws tantrum because s/he doesn’t want to be at Mass. So reward the tantrum by taking the kid out.
What’s even better is when parents take the kids to the cry room, then sit there the whole time yelling at the kids, then get embarrassed and take the kid *out* of the cry room. . .
Jesus said “Let the little children come unto Me.”
Mass needs to be more kid-friendly. And taht doesn’t mean dumbed down readings and “Glory and Praise for Kids.”
9/10 of the time, kids are well behaved except for long, boring homilies.
Melanie,
“well that isnr told.
Philosopihcally, it’s because radical feminism is essentially dualist. The feminist “my body” rhetoric implies a detachment between “self” and “body.” The ironic twist of “Feminism” is that it’s about women denying that their bodies have anything to do with their essential “selves.”
Feminism is essentailly a dualistic movement.
Similarly, there is a certain dualism implied in a lot of the NFP “rhetoric”. There is an emphasis on “self-control” and “will” that almost puts down the body, and physical nature, as subject to the soul.
I’m not talking about the writings of JPII, either. I’m talking about how those writings are oversimplified.
Joanne said: “this stuff (talking of porn & the rest of the sex industry) is just out there in the culture and itmind that there are many ways to be intimate. And doesn’t this fall under Charity as well? Many couples today choose to drop the passage of “wives submit to your husbands” – I think because it sounds so harsh and domineering, even though there’s wisdom behind those words for both the male and female to hold dear.
Melanie and JenB brought up some great points for me as well – sorry I’m running out of time right now.
Question for Tom Coolberth – is “Neo-Catholic” a term for a ‘cafeteria-style’ Catholic? Thanks!
Our church constructed a new crying room within the past couple of years. I mentioned to father that we have been using it and he told me that it is not a crying room, but the “children’s loft.”
I replied, “Father, spend some time there and find out that it is the crying room.”
At Holy Trinity (at the Traditional Latin Mass), children are expected to watch Father, sit still and be quiet unless praying or singing. There is no turning around (looking away from Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament). 9/10th of the kids get the idea and are exceptionally well behaved. We are blessed with many young and large families.
I suspect younger children see the example of their parents and older siblings and follow suit. Prayerful silence is always expected within the church, before, during and after Mass.
Of course there is always the errant 2 or 3 year old. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve retreated to vestibule to minimize the impact on others hearing Holy Mass. Ityear old son’s bad behavior. The key is to consistantly follow through with reward or punishment based on their behavior.
There are few suburban parishes that respect this tradition silence and ordered respect for the Blessed Sacrament. Adults, particularly older adults who had the benefit of “old school” formation seem to be the worst offenders. A polite reminder more often than not invites scorn. When was the last time these reminders have come directly from clergy?
Have you ever tried to block out the noisy distraction to prayer before and after Mass? It’s not easy, particularly many churches sounding more like bingo halls.
While I’m on the subject…In the last few years, particularly at the Cathedral, I’ve noticed a ritual that I call the “Concluding Rite of Affirmation” before the last Blessing at Mass. This includes “credits” with a veritable litany of ministries and individuals who have somehow contributed to the Liturgy. It is usually followed by applause.
While I freely admit I like thanking folks for a job well done, I find this psycho-liturgical action chalk full of human respect and applause highly inappropriate within the context of Holy Mass.
Instead of thanking each other by dragging everyone back down to the natural level with applause, why can’t there be a greater emphasis of Thanksgiving and prayerful silence following Holy Mass? Our thanks should directed toward our substantial encounter with the Holy Eucharist…which happened so few minutes before. There is plenty of time pay your respect to your neighbor, perhaps a post-Mass Agape (Coffee and Doughnuts). Just my “two cents”.
Re: the think of women. Is it?
On the other hand, his description of the motivations of men sounded just like what my husband often says. As a woman, I have to keep reminding myself that men see a female and think sex. It just isn’t something that naturally invades my perception.
I’ve never seen “Sex and the City” or “Survivor” or much of anything else on the tube—the commercials alone drive me to distraction—but isn’t his Mary Smith a composite of the adult woman on the tube rather than the flesh and blood female? Frankly, I don’t know any women like the one he describes. Maybe its a generation difference, or perhaps big city vs. small town.
Granted the pressure to conform to that image is pervasive if you put yourself in the way of the ad man, but there is really no reason to do that.
If I could change one thing about my culture, it would be the social pressure put on women to have a career. Most of our other cultural evils, like celebration of childlessness, abortion, feminism, and children raising themselves, are the result of the societal pressure for women to earn an income. It turns all of us, men and women alike, into little islands of loneliness longing for connection.
God’s Gadfly,
Then we don’t disagree. I said—I thought quite clearly—that to “insist” would be bad, selfish, and have no place in a Catholic marriage. Isn’t that exactly the same point you are making? That it should not be combative or confrontational?
I’m not adopting any rhetoric, feminist or otherwise, I’m refuting any attempt to insert such rhetoric into the discussion.
If you insist on misunderstanding everything I post, and reading in a confrontational manner, the attempt to have a discussion with you is pointless.
I think this is a little stereotypical and harsh towards men. If you have married someone who is selfish and aggressive your problems go beyond NFP.
I agree. Calling a male human being who is incapable of keeping it in his pants a man is an abuse of language. Every single person goes through extended periods of time when, as a moral matter, sexual abstinence is required. Anyone worthy of the title man has broad enough shoulders to face that fact in the abstract at all times, and to deal with it in particular when his own personal time comes.